Dealing With Negative Feedback

Summary: While it’s understandable that we respond emotionally to negative criticism or feedback, doing so removes the opportunity to objectively and rationally learn about blind spots and to gather insights that are vital for growth and for the development of executive maturity.

Developing the ability to objectify tough personal feedback alongside cultivating a learning mindset ensures we are open to new ideas and suggestions for improvement. This is not only good for business, it’s also essential for career progression and particularly for people aspiring to positions of people leadership and beyond.

Instead of being fearful of feedback, learning to actively solicit it (as well as give it), is an important skill and an elective pathway that’s open to everyone.

I still emit a small involuntary whimper whenever I recall receiving the results of my first-ever 360-degree feedback process.

The results of my first 360 weren’t terrible, but they weren’t great either. And in what is an all-too-common emotional response, I automatically fixated on the handful of negative feedback my team had anonymously shared about me and completely disregarded the rest of the otherwise positive feedback.

I had that sickening, knot-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach feeling on the long drive home that evening when I underwent a kind of commuter version of the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief.

The first stop; denial — Surely there’s been a mix-up with the report?

Next up was anger — The ungrateful bastards! How could they do this to me?

Then bargaining — Perhaps if the question had been phrased differently?

Followed by depression — OK, I think I’m going to resign tomorrow.

Finally and as I pulled up outside my home, I’d also arrived at acceptance – and having consumed all the turmoil, angst and emotion I possibly could, all that was left to do was to objectify what remained.

I concluded that even if I couldn’t recognise and even abhorred the negative behaviours attributed to me, the hard evidence I couldn’t ignore was that this was how others perceived me. I also realised that my responsibility for shaping the perceptions of others was just as important as my intent or how I honestly believed I operated or acted.

Either way I looked at it, it was down to me to fix and so the following day, I wrote a heartfelt note to my team and thanked them for the feedback.

In the years since, I’ve had countless 360s and other forms of feedback, and although you can never fully bypass the emotional response mechanism when confronted with criticism, you can eventually construct the emotional bulwark required to withstand it. And in doing so, give yourself the vital opportunity to reframe the feedback objectively and then use it to become a better individual, manager or leader.

Think of it as a bug report, but where you’re the software

From the perspective of a learning mindset, negative feedback doesn’t define you, but it can help you grow, particularly if you’re motivated or driven by a strong sense of purpose or mission. Because if you care so deeply and fundamentally about your individual or team goals and purpose, then why wouldn't you embrace every opportunity to take another step toward achieving those goals? Even if that meant confronting or tackling your own personal development challenges and needs?

Framed in this way, I now look forward to, and I actually embrace things like 360s, not because I’m a masochist who craves the opportunity for negative feedback or self-flagellation, but because I’m intellectually curious and intrigued by the prospect of discovering new areas I need to build upon or address.

Once you can objectify critical feedback in this way, as if it’s just another piece of the jigsaw, another piece of data or business insight you need to assess and then act upon, you learn to not only deal with it but to become motivated by it, to welcome it and seek it out.

Some simple tips for dealing with negative feedback:

• Always assume good intent. Giving tough feedback to another person is hard and even harder to do well. So, cut them some slack - they’re trying to help you.

• Don’t take it personally. Instead, try to objectify the feedback, mentally picture it in your hands, spin and flip it around in 3D and see every side of it, not just the side you saw first.

• Try not to be defensive or fall into a spiral of despair. Thank the other person for the feedback. It might not feel like it, but it’s a gift. A little spiky gift that draws blood, but it’s a gift nonetheless.

• Try to understand what it’s telling you. Either you’re missing something about the situation, or they are. Either way, take ownership of the job of addressing it and fixing it.

• Be kind to yourself. It might sting, but it doesn’t define you. One piece of negative feedback amid 5 or 10 other positive items should be viewed relatively in that context.

• Don’t let it derail your week or act impulsively. Take your time to respond, and don’t rush to hasty conclusions - we don’t make great decisions when we’re emotionally fragile.

• Sleep on it, and let it settle before deciding your response. Talk with your manager or another trusted party.

• If you can’t easily address or modify the issue or weakness, how can your strengths help you live with it or work around it? How can you compensate or contract with others so that they can support you?

Once you can develop a level of emotional resilience, go looking for feedback, and develop a real hunger for it - you’ll always learn something.